Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Randomize
