Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
you have to choose: penises or morals?
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Randomize
