He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
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