Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
