You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
