did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
