ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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