so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
