"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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