According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
