U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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