There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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