It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Randomize
