Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize