3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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