Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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