those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
