i permit you to call me
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
