Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
