When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Randomize
