Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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