I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
