My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
