Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
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