Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Randomize
