some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
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