Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
