There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
