This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
