he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Randomize
