Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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