he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
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