i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize