He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Randomize
