I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
there's paper in my vomit.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize
