Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Randomize
