my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
