She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
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