I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
