If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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