my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
