Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
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I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
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