Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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