Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
