Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
