I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
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So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
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I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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