If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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