dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
