I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
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She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
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