At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
