Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
