you're like a bully in the Christmas story
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Alive.
So much puke
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
