In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
