youre lurking in front of me
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
your like the ambassador to my penis.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
