I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
