i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
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