If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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